I’ve always believed there’s more to communication than words. As a Computer Science major and writer for this newspaper, I’ve spent years parsing language, both human and machine.
But a recent encounter with a turtle named Waffles changed everything. I was sitting outside the library, spiraling over a bug in my Python code, when I locked eyes with this turtle. He didn’t blink. He didn’t move. But in my mind, I heard him say: “You’re not meant to debug. You’re meant to listen.” And just like that, I knew. I was meant to become a pet psychic.
After this encounter, I spent two weeks “off the grid” bonding with stray cats behind the cafeteria to develop this newfound gift.
Some friends asked, “Why not build an AI pet translator instead?” But AI can’t decode the subtle way a chihuahua communicates existential dread with a single yip. That takes intuition. That takes heart. That takes… me.
Georgie, the ASC’s support animal, confessed to me that he always saw himself helping other humans around the world. “I always saw myself as some type of hero.” Georgie communicated.
Focusing more on the domestic side of things, other examples of pets speaking to me throughout this journey include: “My human keeps calling me Mr. Snuggles. My true name is Moonblade.” — Domestic longhair, age 3.
“She thinks I don’t know she bought off-brand treats.” — French bulldog with strong opinions.
“I was Cleopatra in a past life. Now I chase yarn. Life is humbling.” — Siamese cat in crisis.
I’ve also taken this into the next step by creating a relationship session with owners and their pets, where I would listen to their pets’ petitions and communicate them with their respective owners: “I always suspected my cat was judging me. Thanks to this service, I now know for sure.” — Lorraine Castañeda, Freshman, Communications Major.
“He translated my dog’s dreams. Turns out she’s haunted by a vacuum cleaner.”— Julio Ávila, Psychology Major, skeptical but intrigued.
“My ferret finally opened up about his abandonment issues. We’re closer than ever.”— Anonymous (per the ferret’s request)
Some signs that you can recognize where you might need a session are: Your goldfish only swims in the corner, facing away from you. (Resentment)
Your cat keeps knocking over the same mug. (It’s symbolic)
Your hamster stares at the wall like he’s seen something. (He has)
For a broad knowledge of this recent discovery, I’m working on a research paper titled: “Beyond Bark: A Quantitative Approach to Paw-Sitive Communication”. Please await more information if you’re interested in this topic.
PD: I’m kidding, please don’t contact me for readings. I can’t even read my mind sometimes. However, if you want to introduce me to your pet, I’d be happy to! 😉
