Note: This story is a joke created by Owl writers to celebrate April Fools’ Day. All individuals mentioned in the story have given their consent to appear.
One common struggle that unites college students everywhere is balancing school and personal life. Too often, the stress from classes seeps into our downtime like an inescapable plague. You’re trying to relax with friends when you get that dreaded Canvas notification: Your test has been graded. You know that feeling.
This is why I fully support every student undergoing the Severance Procedure. Imagine, each class gets its own innie, an expert in one subject and one subject only. They know nothing else. No distractions, no burnout. And best of all? You never have to worry about it.
Each innie is activated for its assigned class, then seamlessly replaced by another when the subject changes. By the time you graduate, your specialized innies will be fully prepared for the workforce whether in biology, business, micro-refinement, or farming. Rest easy knowing they are well-educated.
From a student’s perspective, the benefits are endless. For one: no more all-nighters. You are never assigned homework or tests. No more stress over grades. That’s your innie’s problem.
But what we crave the most is true work-life balance. Your social life will blossom as you spend every waking moment doing what you love, while your innies handle the academic burden.
Already, select universities in Goatborn, Michigan, have begun implementing this on students. Reports show that outies are thriving, with students experiencing record-high levels of relaxation and personal fulfillment.
Ninety-five percent of outies report their lives have improved since severance. The other five percent were reported in need of “additional restructuring.”
Some skeptics claim that severed students who fail their courses have mysteriously disappeared. However, the administration assures us this is merely part of their Enhanced Educational Restructuring Process, ensuring innies fully grasp complex topics before entering the real world.
Another minor concern is that some innies have reportedly begun developing independent thoughts. This is, of course, a harmful side effect of courses like sociology and philosophy. The Severance Board is working diligently to refine classes and fix this issue.
The time for change is now. Contact your administrators and local state officials. Let’s bring Luman Academics to your county, Let’s make the future of severance to students!
