As we approach the back end of the semester I find myself more and more staring off into space, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work I need to complete. Projects, tests, essays, emails to send, texts to respond to and practice for my sport, while at the same time needing to find time to balance myself with downtime, hobbies and visiting friends and family. It sometimes feels as though I have no time to think for myself, I am simply limping through each task and bracing myself for what is next.
As my world has gotten busier and busier, as I’ve spread myself thinner and thinner, I often find myself unable to act, paralyzed by the sheer amount of “stuff” I need to do, I have to do and I want to do. When I do find time to finally settle down I don’t congratulate myself, nor do I celebrate the work I’ve done. Why bother doing any of this? Why don’t I just quit, call it a day, drop out and just coast by doing the bare minimum?
It’s a silly question to ask when you write it out, of course I shouldn’t drop out or quit, I have sunk too much time into my school and sport, I love what I do and I get fulfillment out of school. But very often I find myself asking “Why do I care?” Why do I care to compete, to try, to fail, to get back up and hope it’ll be different the second time round? Is it because of the expectations placed on me? Is it because I genuinely try to push myself? Is it because I am simply going through the motions and have subconsciously tricked myself into thinking that this is important?
I think the answer is simple, because we hope to see the fruits of our labor, even if it is decades if not lifetimes down the road. I understand how powerless and out of control many people are, but we continue our struggle because we hope that one day we will be able to rest, reap what we sow, to guarantee something better for ourselves and those around us. Hope is irrational and stubborn; we will push through anything just to reach our goals because we hope it’ll be worth it.
It’s a bit of a first world problem to write about the “power of hope” and the anomie I felt during the closing act of this semester, but it gives me a sense of relief knowing that I am stubbornly persevering for hope’s sake. If you feel powerless or like you’re losing control as this semester closes, remember to be stubborn and hope that your drive and determination will pay off.
